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Thread Author: GeeseTheDuck
Thread ID: 3315
Thread Info
There are 8 posts in this thread, and it has been viewed 3838 times.
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A realization (Personal thread ahoy!)
How to start...
To put it bluntly, i always saw my life as something pointless and insignificant,
always just lazying around waiting for each day to end and melt into a boring memory
and repeat the process the next day forever.
Honestly, i never thought about doing anything with my life,
thinking that since it's only myself I'm bothering by doing nothing and just wasting all my years away, it was okay.

Then today came the realization, this isn't only my life, is it?
I always knew that I've had more close encounters with death than most of
my fellow teenagers,
after all, I've probably spent more time in the local hospital or in bed throughout my life more so than anywhere else. I've always shocked the doctors, both with my horrible luck when it comes to getting seemingly unrelated diseases and my body's unexplained quick recoveries from whatever surgery or medicine side-effects caused by said diseases.
To put it simply, I've been cursed with many diseases, however, whenever it isn't chronic,
I've always recovered faster than anyone would imagine, luck in un-luck so to speak.
However, I'd always get sick again soon afterwards (the chronic stomach disease i talked about earlier? happened four days after a unexpectedly big three hour surgery completely unrelated to that region of my body).
My mental health has never been much better,
and i feel like i can hardly function socially anymore.
Thinking back, I'd usually curse my bad luck and enviously look at everyone else walking by, people with cares like friends and whenever they'll miss some party and things like that.
But today i thought back farther than i usually does, back to my birth.

I was born months too early, hardly with any warnings,
people've speculated that this episode is what causes my weak body.
I started thinking about how i did evade death even before i was born,
and my thought suddenly drifted towards three people who doesn't exist in this world,
my siblings. While i was the first, and barely survived my birth,
it wasn't the last time my mother tried to have children.
To be exact, she tried three more times, just like with me, her body started acting strange not too long after she got pregnant, unlike with me however, they all died before being born.

Four lives, out of these four lives, mine is the only one that got the right to exist.
This realization... I've always thought as my life as something that is only mine,
and therefore never cared about what i spent my days doing,
just doing nothing until the day i die.
But it isn't right.
My three siblings which does not exist, the me that do.
Today i finally realized how lucky i am to be alive,
sure i often get sick and really feel lonely about having no contact with people my age.
But really, that is a sign that i 'am'.
Today was the first day in what seems like forever i finally noticed just how beautiful the world i live in is, how fresh the cool spring breeze feels and how nice it is just to 'be'.
So i decided, today it stops. I can't waste my life that i was granted like this,
on the contrary, i should live my life as much as possible,
in the place of my siblings that can't.
My life isn't just my own as i always thought, so i can't just waste it any longer.

... Still reading? ever since i realized, my mind's been kind of a mess.
I don't feel like this is something i can talk to my relatives about since it would probably only trouble them if they started thinking i blame myself for my siblings' death,
which isn't it at all, rather, it's a feeling closer to responsibility.
But i felt like i needed to let these feelings out somehow,
so i decided to just write it down to you guys,
you, strangers unrelated to me, strange, i know.
I don't know why i wrote it down or what kind of replies i should expect from such a strange thread. Yes, i my logic is kind of hard to follow for even myself today.

This, with this realization, i can finally see life as something truly precious,
so i won't hesitate, from today forth, I won't settle for watching everyone else from afar,
if there is anything I'd like to do, if there is anything i want to accomplish,
even if it's just on a whim, I'll pursue it. Life is a precious thing,
so I'll use my days here as much as i can.
For the four of us.
Edited by GeeseTheDuck on 13. May 2011 22:29
Your text makes a lot of sense, Geese.

Make the most of your life and apreciate your friends and family, after all you only get one chance at this.

Used with the kind permission from their creator "Shiny"
I appreciate very much that you felt you could share such personal details of your life with all of us. When I was younger I'd get annoyed when people talked about "living your life to the fullest" but I've thankfully learned since that it's the best advice that could ever be given.

I've also recently found that we're more than merely a connection of internet acquaintances. Be assured that we all support you in whatever capacity we can, no matter how small. As for myself, I sincerely wish you the very best of luck in whatever endeavors you choose to undertake.
Edited by boogiepop on 14. May 2011 02:41
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
Hey Geese, maybe it sounds quite hackneyed, but never let yourself down and believe in your faith (not necessarily a god or whatsoever, I'm an convinced atheist after all). When you come to think of it, there's so much to appreciate and experience in one's life, so there are indeed many roads that lead to fortune. You just need stay on the path you think it's the right one.

Good luck and live prosper. Thumbs Up
it sounds like you have had a very hard time of things for one so young Geese. i have to say i have come to realisations in my life a few times and however good my intentions - the reason behind them will fade over time, and i then go back to my old ways. so if this is something you really want to change in your life. - i would sugest you make something that will always remind you of your intentions and put it somewhere so you can see it every day.

i think its true we only get one life and we should make the most of it. but in reality this is the hardest thing to actually do. how ever many times someone says 'make the most of your life' it will means nothing to you - until you actually discover yourself that that is what you should be doing for yourself.
Mini-Reviews of films I have just watched :
Mini-Reviews of ZX Spectrum games :
I think RiKo hit the nail on the head.

Being or becoming complacent be it about life in general or specific things is a very natural thing for us as animals go.

Its just the way our brains are wired. I think it can take some of the fun out of things we enjoy so we find other things to enjoy and usually come back to where we started. I look at it kinda like this... You cant have good times unless there are also bad times in life because there would be nothing to gauge how good things are.

I don't really like to talk about my personal history much as there are a lot of things I have seen and done I really wish I hadn't but I think it shows why I feel the way I do so here goes.

I was complacent about life until I joined the U.S.M.C. and shipped to Panama briefly and experienced just how thin the fine line between life and death is.
A few years down the road in 1990 we shipped to Kuwait for Desert Shield where from the second we headed off to reclaim the Kuwait International Airport the fighting began and lasted the entire trip. Once there we had Five more days and nights of heavy fighting and retook the Airport.

Again the entire time I was reminded of how quickly life can be over. its always in the back of your mind but you cant dwell on it for long as you have a job to do while riding the biggist adrenaline rush you could ever have, its a combination of pure terror and euphoria all at once. After that we went to Mogadishu on a humanitarian mission which was a nice change of pace as we pulled security for the Airport so they could ship in food etc, happily we didn't have to do more than be a show of force.

Again I was slapped in the face with how precious life is.

Fast forward a few more years and I get out of the Corps after Six years and more close calls than I think I can count. I start a great career in Law Enforcement for about Seven years when I am involved in an on the job shooting that gets me a life flight to a trauma center where I go into arrest no less than Seven times on the helicoptor.

In the end I had a lung transplant and now have to take a pretty serious drug cocktail for the rest of my life so I now have a constant reminder of how precious life really is.

But guess what ? Even after all I have seen and done once in a while I too grow complacent once again but not for long as I can never escape back to a time where life was care free and I wasn't dependent on various substances that occasionally make me pretty sick.

Other wise I would just go through the standard cycle like we all do.

Sorry if this was long winded and Geese there is nothing wrong with venting now and again be it here or where ever Smile

Now go enjoy life before it gets boring again Grin
I spent most of the eighties, most of my life, riding around in somebody else's car, in possession of, or ingested of, something illegal, on my way from something illegal to something illegal with many illegal things happening all around me.

James Newell Osterberg, Jr

"Last screw is hidden under a warranty-voiding sticker. Darn, cant return this thing to the store - guess Ill just have to make a laptop out of it!"

Ben Heck on PS3 Slim
Thanks for sharing the story.
I'll be sure to take use of every inch of my newfound energy!

I've had my 'ups' now and then before,
the difference being that back then, my good periods where the times
my body was relatively healthy, then it all came crashing down again afterwards
while everyone complained that the school didn't offer enough options or something similar. And each time, i would get more and more lost.

This time it's different.
It's not my body's shape, rather, I'm in a pretty poor condition right now physically.
This time, it's my mentality that's changed.
And I'll do what i can to never go back to how i used to be.
I... honestly kind of hate myself for how I've seen everything as pointless these 17 years,
i probably found those around me to be pointless too.
... There where times i toyed with the notion of taking my own life,
even though it was just my usual sarcastic thinking,
it really disgusts me thinking back at it.

I had my weekly talk with my psychiatrist today,
and while i didn't say outright that i had a change of mindset,
I did try telling as much as i could without outright giving the reason.
Apparantly, I've changed a lot these few days, the psychiatrist was very pleasantly surprised and my mother, who was away these few days,
also notes that I've been acting unusually healthy lately.
This probably seems odd to them since my body still has a long way to go until it's recovered from my last hospital stay.
Even with the help of my sleeping-pills,
I still wake in the middle of the night with a heavy body drenched in sweat
and an all too familiar headache.
but this is all a mental thing after all,
so as i am now, my physical health doesn't really bother me
since i know It'll stabilize eventually.

I kind of wish i could tell at least my mother,
but something tells me that this resolve of mine is something that's better kept to myself.
Edited by GeeseTheDuck on 16. May 2011 13:42
Very moving stuff I did not realize fellow members had been exposed to such circumstances. All wise words and all well worth appreciating whatever walk of life you are in. But can understand Geese's wake up call, to some it may sound like hes found God or something but sometimes you just wake up and realize the world is a great place if you give it a chance.

I was born with and have enjoyed full health most my life, apart form a dark period in 2001-03 when I was heavily using drugs and was slowly killing myself. This disregard for my health and well being is frankly embarrassing when I look back now as so many people want to live who don't and I was destroying the most precious thing to me for the selfish sake of getting high. Still its all part of life I guess and thankfully touch wood I think I have escaped any long term health damage. I think its cool that we can all open our hearts on this site.
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